How To Deal With Different Sex Drives

Some people want sex every day and some people want it once a month. So, what do you do when you’re in a relationship and your sex drives are miles apart? How to deal with different sex drives isn’t really that difficult.

First of all, know that you are not alone. More often than you think, people are in relationships with a partner who just isn’t on the same page.  Some relationships start off great and then trail off and some just don’t have it in sync.  All is not lost though, with a little understanding you can find your groove.

Learn About Your Libido

The biggest problem with different libidos is when feelings are hurt.  This mostly stems from of a lack of education.  We talk to our kids about sex and body positivity and self love but realistically, nobody talks about sex drive.  And so, the first time we become of aware of this “issue” is usually in our first serious relationship where no-one really knows what’s going on or what to expect.

So most importantly we need to understand what people can and can’t control, like their natural sex drive.

Your sex drive doesn’t have an on/off switch – it’s a broad spectrum where there is no “normal”.  If you and your partners sex drives are different that doesn’t mean that one of you is at fault or abnormal or needs to change.  In a relationship, the responsibility needs to borne equally to deal with the issue.

Don’t Take It Personally

If your partner keeps putting you off or seems to not notice your attention, please remember that it’s likely to not be about you.  Lack of sex-drive can come from low levels of self-esteem, stress, exhaustion – or just be who they are. A persons sex drive can also vary hugely throughout different life stages.

It’s normal to feel hurt or angry when you’re rejected but showing empathy, trying to be understanding and kind can go a long, long way to building emotional bonds, intimacy and trust.

If you are the one with low sex drive, sometimes your partners advances can feel demanding and like that’s all they are after.  If you try to re-work your brains way of thinking you can try to see this as a compliment.  It’s a wonderful feeling to know that your partner is so attracted to you and that feeling of attractive to someone can also help to build connections.

TALK!!

Where sex-drives are miles apart but both parties want to make it work, there has to be compromise.  No-one should feel taken for granted and the only way to work through it is to talk.

Talk about how you feel when your advances are rejected or when you receive advances you’re not ready for.

Tell your partner what gets you in the mood or what you enjoy most about the intimacy with them.

Highlight what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable

Talking about all of these things should lead you both to a middle ground that will reinforce that you’re in this together.

Finally …

The sex drive you have at the start of a relationship isn’t necessarily the same one you maintain.  Like we said in the beginning, lots of factors affect your libido.  Being on the same page shouldn’t always be the focus, but with good communication you’ll know what page your partner is on so you’re both heading to the same destination.